Editor’s note: Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues — everything from how to deal with a micromanaging boss to how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.
Here’s a roundup of answers to five questions from readers.
1. I don’t want to do Toastmasters with my boss!
My boss would like me to work on speaking up more in meetings. I am by nature shy, and this is something I have always struggled with. I have a particularly hard time speaking up around authority figures. However, I am actively working on improving in this area and I’ve joined our company’s Toastmasters club. Almost immediately, my boss decided to join also because he said he wants to work on his public speaking skills also. He asked me if I would mind, and I said “No” because Toastmasters is supposed to be a really supportive environment, and I thought it would be okay.
Well, it’s been a few months, and I dread going to the club meetings because it is so anxiety-provoking. My boss is a very outgoing person who doesn’t have a lot of problems with public speaking. And although he is not a terrible boss, he can be very judgmental about employees’ abilities, and I am afraid of making mistakes around him. Consequently, Toastmasters meetings have become more like work meetings than a place where I can safely practice public speaking. I am extremely nervous before the meetings, and I don’t think I am getting much out of them.
I’d like to quit the club and find another place to practice my public speaking that does not feel so threatening, but I don’t want my boss to think I am flaky. Do you have any advice on how to handle this? If I switch, I think he may wonder why I am doing this.
Why not join a different Toastmasters group in your area if this one isn’t serving its purpose for you anymore? There should be some near you that aren’t affiliated with your company. As for what to say to him about why you’re switching, it depends on how comfortable you are telling him the truth. Ideally, it would be great if you could explain that you’ve found it harder to practice and make mistakes when you know your boss is observing you. But if you’re not comfortable doing that or think it won’t go over well, then you could explain to him that you found the other group was a better fit for you because of ___ (could be hours, mix of people, number of people, the overall feel of the group, you have contacts there, or whatever).
That said, there could be advantages to staying in the group your boss is in; since your public speaking fears are tied to speaking in front of authority figures, this could be a way to work on that — as long as your boss isn’t penalizing you for how you do there. But if you’re dreading the meetings and your anxiety is getting in the way of you improving your skills, then I agree that trumps the advantages of practicing with your boss, at least for now. (Although it could be interesting to improve your speaking skills in a different group and then return to this one when you’re feeling more comfortable, as a sort of 201 level class — working specifically on your ability to speak in front of intimidating people.)
2. How to reject an internal candidate
I am a new manager at a small nonprofit. We have an opening and two internal candidates applied. I don’t know them well, but based on my observations and interviews, they are comparable in skills and experience. They both are unfulfilled in their current positions and there isn’t any way for me to change their roles if they don’t get the promotion (they currently fill essential administrative positions). I know that at least one of them will quit if she isn’t selected. Do you have any tips on what to say to the one who doesn’t get the job?
“I think you’re great — particularly your strengths in X and Y. This was a very tough decision, but we’ve decided to offer the role to Jane, who has accepted it.” (If there’s an easily articulable skill or trait that Jane brings to the job, you can mention that here — for instance, “Ultimately Jane’s track record of successful grant writing was a deciding factor.”) “You’ve done an amazing job on __ and __ , but we only had one slot open. I want to be clear, though, how much we value your work, and we’d be glad to talk about future openings with you as they come up.”
(You should only be that positive if that stuff is really true, though. You shouldn’t be disingenuous.)
Of course, make sure that one of them actually is highly qualified for the job. If they’re not, the organization will be better served by interviewing external candidates; you don’t want to promote someone just because they’re already working there and interested, particularly in a small organization where each role is crucial. That’s true even if you risk losing someone for not promoting them — you need top performers in each job, and you can’t hand out promotions to keep someone who won’t be great at what you’re promoting them to. You can, however, look for ways to help them grow professionally in other ways — or should be honest with them if there isn’ room for that.
3. Being asked to fill out a reference questionnaire instead of giving a reference over the phone
An intern who worked for us last year recently asked me to be a reference for her. She just did okay at our company, but I think that ultimately the internship wasn’t a good fit for her. Since she had some good skills and qualities and I could see her doing well somewhere else, I agreed to be a reference for her.
She recently interviewed at a company that she really wants to get into, and I think she would do well in the position. Her potential future supervisor sent me an email asking me to fill out a reference questionnaire. I’ve never had to do this before and was expecting to have a phone call. This might not bother me this much usually, but I just got back from my industry’s biggest trade show of the year and will be buried for the next two weeks, and then will be out of town again after that. I’d like to ask to do a phone call instead, especially as some of the questions I think would be better handled over the phone (like the ones about would you hire the candidate again; do you think I should hire the candidate, etc). I don’t want to hurt her chances of getting hired, though. Is this a normal hiring practice?
It’s not uncommon, but you’re right that it often takes up references’ time unnecessarily and puts them in an awkward position when they don’t want certain feedback in writing. Moreover, it’s a huge missed opportunity for the employer doing the reference-checking, because you get a ton of information from people’s tone over the phone — how enthusiastic they are, where they hesitate, etc.
You can certainly reply that you’d prefer to talk over the phone, but you do run the risk of harming her chances if they won’t entertain that option, unfortunately. You could minimize that chance, though, if you framed it as something like, “I’m excited to be a reference for Jane, but my workload right now means that a phone call will be much easier for me. If you call me at ___, I’d be glad to tell you about Jane’s strengths.” That way, you’re still saying something positive even if they don’t ultimately call you. (Note: If this intern actually did great work for you, I’d urge you to just fill out the questionnaire — both because I believe that doing that kind of thing is part of the deal when someone gives you great work, and there would be fewer issues around not wanting to put sensitive feedback in writing.)
4. How do I know if I did well in an interview?
How would one know if you do well in an interview? I’m never quite sure if I did.
Do you feel like you explained why you’d excel at the job in a convincing way? Did you have a reasonably good rapport with the interviewer, and did they seemed engaged in the conversation with you? Those are both good signs. And the absence of either of those isn’t a good sign. That said, people get hired all the time when they didn’t think these things were true — and these things can be true and you still won’t get an offer, because someone else was a better fit. There’s really no way to know for sure, and you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.
A better approach is to go into interviews with the aim of clearly explaining what you’ve achieved in the past, how you operate, and what you’d bring to the job, while simultaneously exploring whether or not you and the job and workplace are the right match … because that’s a question for you too, not just for the employer.
5. Approaching my boss about a weekly therapy appointment
I am struggling with depression and anxiety, but in the process of working through it with therapy. I live in a place where getting appointments in after work time slots can be next to impossible. Furthermore, I consider it essential to get on well with your therapist, which makes this even more difficult. I have found a therapist who seems a good a fit, but would need to leave work an hour and a half early once a week to make the appointment. My boss can be pretty understanding about these things, but considering the frequency and length of time I would need to leave early, a general “doctor’s appointment” explanation might be insufficient. However, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to come clean to my boss about my mental health issues. Any advice on how to approach this?
“I have a recurring weekly medical appointment for at least the next few months, possibly longer. I’ve scheduled it for as late in the day as I could, but I’ll need to leave at 4:00 every Thursday to make it there. My plan for making sure it doesn’t interfere with my work is ____.”
That’s it! Your boss shouldn’t ask what type of medical appointment it is.
Want to submit a question of your own? Send it to alison@askamanager.org.