Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
I’m going to let you in on a secret.
The people who work in tech aren’t often the most interesting people in the world.
I know too many who have the manners of a rabid raccoon, the wit of a table leg and the emotional sensibilities of my car’s spare tire.
Time and again, therefore, you’ll find tech companies doing things that make real human beings wipe their eyes and utter Old Testament terminology.
This week, though, a truly glorious element emerged, one that leaves some Silicon Valley companies looking like, well, everything you feared they actually are.
As Bloomberg revealed, some Valley concerns have decided to liven up their Christmas parties with models.
No, not the bikini-clad types who seemed to adorn tech shows for the last 35 years.
Instead, these are comely individuals who are paid to mingle with the guests, make genteel conversation and render the tech company looking so much sexier than an entity pushing a new toilet-paper purchasing platform really is.
The industry parlance for these paid interlopers is “Ambiance and Atmosphere Models.”
Meghan, I’ve got you a great new gig! You’re going to do a Live Show! You’ll have to dig deep for this role. You’re playing ambiance!
For the Ambiancers it is, of course, money. Up to $200 an hour.
It’s also, perhaps, a chance to see how embarrassing tech types can be, if the Ambiancers didn’t already know.
You’ll be stunned into taking medication and pretending you’re Pac-Man when I tell you that most of these paid, fresh-faced minglers are women.
Bloomberg explained that a gaming company that hired some of these people, had “handpicked the models based on photos, made them sign nondisclosure agreements, and given them names of employees to pretend they’re friends with, in case anyone asks why he’s never seen them around the foosball table.”
My, the attendees will never see through that, will they?
You can imagine how the tech companies think they’re clever doing this. (Well, they know no other emotional posture.)
Instead of what used to be called booth-babes, they’re hiring more sophisticated models who can, oh, dress expensively and say interesting things.
Somehow, though, I fear this year’s tech company Christmas parties will be subdued affairs.
Silicon Valley’s image has become as tarnished as a year-old cellphone.
With Uber as the poster-child of twisted emotional destitution, it’s becoming increasingly clear that too many of these companies exist in a bubble of righteousness that brooks no criticism, no rules and no sense of emotional well-being.
Making the world a better place means being able to fill your Christmas parties with an Ambiance(r) no one has ever experienced.
It has all the makings of a plan as prescient and meaningful as Google+.