Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
Some things are a given.
Life being what it is, though, some things are a-taken away.
Let’s do this very gently.
Should you be an aficionado of snack foods, you’ll know that part of their very essence is that they’re the sort of pleasure that you know might not be good for you, but you’re going to do it anyway.
We all have those.
For some, it’s inebriated online shopping. For others, it’s snack foods.
The whole point of them is that you allow your mouth and innards to bathe in the sort of artificially-flavored fatty goodness that you just know your mouth and innards genetically adore.
But strange things have been happening to Tostitos, Doritos and Cheetos.
They’ve gone organic.
I know, I know. This is worse than discovering that Gwyneth Paltrow might not be a perfect human being. Or that Ozzy Osbourne likes lettuce with his batburger.
But Bloomberg reports that Frito-Lay has been slyly introducing versions of many of its finest, unhealthiest snacks.
You can understand them not making too much of a noise.
It’s like a philanderer becoming a priest. It’s not going to please their ex-lovers. It’ll look like the philanderer’s whole life was a lie.
As you’re shivering uncontrollably and grabbing a bag of the genuine article in order to stabilize your basic functions, please let me tell you what’s behind this.
It’s not sanctimony.
Rather, it’s the last two syllables of sanctimony.
There’s a certain drift on the part of (much of) humanity toward being more pure.
This had led to the rise of purer shopping entities such as Whole Foods. It has even led formerly mass-market entities such as Kroger to embrace the organic thing.
So Frito-Lay has created a separate brand called Simply. In slightly smaller letters on the bags is the word organic.
And right below that is the Doritos logo.
Bloomberg speculates that there might be hope for this new organic range to suddenly appear in Whole Foods — especially now that Amazon is its owner — and other large, guilt-assuaging retailers.
Still, I see that you still haven’t stopped shivering and that you keep muttering: “Credibility, wherefore art thou?”
Please, then, let me offer these words uttered to Bloomberg by Frito-Lay Chief Marketing Officer Jennifer Saenz: “Some of the feedback we hear often is, ‘An organic Dorito? Really?” We want to make sure that the credibility is coming through loud and clear.”
Much will, of course, depend on the credibility of the taste. Will this be the equivalent of the first diet sodas that tasted like the real thing, with a few bits of metal tossed inside?
I’m uplifted, though, by the smaller words on the Doritos bag. Just below the words White Cheddar there is a smaller word: Flavored.
It feels like an echo from the adorable, bad-for-you original.