Absurdly Driven looks at the world of business with a skeptical eye and a firmly rooted tongue in cheek.
There’s very little in America more controversial than Starbucks’ holiday cups.
They’re either not festive enough. Or just too, well, something.
Remember the year when they were just plain red? And then last year, the coffee chain tried to please everyone by releasing 13 different designs.
Most had all the design sense of a glue-sniffing squirrel.
They had the soothing air of snorted soot. It was as if everyone at Starbucks had thrown their hands up and passed the job to a classroom of eight-year-olds with an Etch-a-Sketch.
This year could be even more painful.
The holiday cups appear to have been leaked online. On Reddit, to be precise. Yet no sooner had the image appeared than it disappeared.
But in this world of constant, irreligious connection, once the images were out there, you couldn’t unsee them.
Here, then, is what the purported design looks like.
Who else is offended by the new Starbucks holiday cups? #Triggered pic.twitter.com/pfR3JlWnTR
— jason meredith (@jasonmeredith) October 19, 2017
And now, let’s assume these are the real things.
What instant reaction do they engender?
To my life-worn eyes, they certainly appear festive, but aren’t very red.
They say Starbucks and love and gifts and Christmas trees and turtle doves and, oh, why should anyone care about these things?
Because Starbucks is one of the only places people still meet in person?
Because we’re in a cultural war and the company has previously been accused of “hating Jesus” for its cups?
If these things are real, I have a sneaky feeling that someone at Starbucks sat in a meeting room and suddenly sniffed: “Those people want Christmas? I’ll give them Christmas. In fact, I’ll give them so much Christmas that they’ll never, ever accuse us again of dissing their precious non-religious holiday.”
And so what the creators begat is a design that appears to have been culled from wrapping paper that you buy on the street for $1 a roll. With a Starbucks logo slapped upon it.
But if one was to be more righteously critical, why, where’s the crib and baby Jesus? Why is there no Nativity scene? And no church spire? What’s up with that?
And couldn’t we get God the Father in there somewhere?
I contacted Starbucks to ask whether this was, indeed, the precious cup that intended to bring joy to the world.
I will update, should my prayer for a comment be answered.
Of course, it’s possible this is one vast ruse, there to get people excited.
Here’s what would really excite me: if there was no Starbucks holiday cup at all.